I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I will be naked everywhere
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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