woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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