His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
