can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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