She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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