About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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