we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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