Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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