Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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