we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Text me some of your sweat
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
