I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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