my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm really busy with my period
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