He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
