Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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