I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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