woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
