I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
