Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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