I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I want a musical about memes.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
