wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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