if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
