it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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