um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
