I have demons in me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
