3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
