Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
