...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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