put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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