im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
