i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
