I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
