What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
