i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
