So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
