wanna go halves on a baby?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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