My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
