if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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