I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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