I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
