why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
