Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize