you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
