If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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