The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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