after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY