My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
