shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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