I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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