I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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