look no pants
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
