it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
