Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
please don't ironically join a cult
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