at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Are we still banned from the library?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
