Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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