The maid of honor just puked.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
