That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
