During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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