Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
