Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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