I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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