I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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